I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
