Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
