Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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