I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
