i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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