Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
This baby is an asshole
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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