i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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