i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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