Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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