i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize