alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Randomize
