how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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