So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
