Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize