Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize