Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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