how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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