Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
