She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
