i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
