atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
