these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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