I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
