Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
