You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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