ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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