I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize