i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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