if i died would you start the facebook group?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
