somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
