Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
this will be a night to untag.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
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