i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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