Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
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