captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
