there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
