wrigley field is MILF paradise
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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