when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
