woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Cover your peen. We're going out.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize