Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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