Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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