my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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