Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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