Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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