Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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