Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
