You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
