Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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