Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
