But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
