I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
