But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize