Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize