I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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