There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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