Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize