Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
