The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
