Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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