why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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