Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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