tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
