all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
