Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
