He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
