Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
someone threw a dead crab at me
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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