I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
