...so i touched it.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize