Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
