when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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