I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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