I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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