I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
