Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
