On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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