she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
my poor anus
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
