my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
