Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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